Seven Things Never to Say to Lily Evans
by Bittersweet x
Summary: James writes a list, the other three Marauders are unhelpful, and handwriting is insulted. What should you NEVER say to Lily Evans? Apparently, this.


__**Hey guys! I am ALIVE! I've just been _swallowed up by NaNoWriMo. _Technically I should be doing that right now, but this struck me like a bolt of lightening and if I didn't write it I would go crazy. It was insane fun, and I actually think it's kinda cute. But you be the judge of that :)**

**Disclaimer - don't own, obvs.**

**Btw - I wrote this whilst reading several Jon Skindizier articles at once. So yeah, writing'll be a bit influenced :P  
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_Seven Things Never to Say to Lily Evans_

Right, so, for some reason, I, James Potter have taken it upon myself to write this list.

_You can write?_

**Wait, what? Since when can James write?**

_** I am now insanely confused. James, how have you concealed this fact from us from seven years?**_**  
><strong>..And those are my_ charming _friends, Moony; with that ugly slanty writing, Wormtail; with that writing so dark it looks like he's stabbing the paper, and of course Padfoot, who's handwriting is so explicitly ugly in a combination of Moon's and Worm's that it can't even be described.

_**Hey! I resent that!**_

All of you, shut up and go away. I'm trying to write my list.

_About what?_

Well – GIVE ME BACK MY

_**This list is called Why Sirius Black is amazing. Number one, his hair is one of a AHHHHH JAMMMESSSSSSSS **_

SORRY about that. Now that I have sufficiently gotten rid of my friends I can write my list.

...I didn't kill them, OKAY? I levicorpused Sirius and Peter, and Remus just sighed and walked away so he's all right. And I'll let them down as soon as I finish my list. Ha! So there!

In any case. This is my list and I wrote it all by myself, and Sirius is screaming "GIVE ME THE QUILL! GIVE ME THE QUILL OR I'LL DICTATE TO YOU!" And now he's forcing me to write down what he says, which is apparently:

You are a great writer who has awesome hair.

That isn't what he said at all. IS IT, SIRIUS. But it is written down now and _words never lie. _So that's all there is to it. Here is my list, compiled and composed by me after seven years of experience, about the seven things you should never, if you want to live another day, say to Lily Evans.

Disclaimer – I have said 100% of these things, and I'm alive, but I'm awesome. So, yeah, be careful.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OF IMPORTANCE (except that the last one is the most important), THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM YEARS ONE TO SEVEN: THINGS NOT TO ASK LILY EVANS IF YOU ARE FOND OF ALL YOUR BODY PARTS IN PLACE AND FUNCTIONING.

Number One: _Learned in year one._

"Hey, redhead over there! Is your hair ever mistaken for a vat of tomato sauce?

Okay. In my defense, I was eleven, I loved this girl and I didn't know what the heck love _was, _I was terrified of talking to her, but I had to _because I was James Potter. _So I said the first words that came out of my mind and then, even halfway through, I was all, _ohmigod-what-are-you-doing-stopstopSTOP!_ Yeah, it was awful.

Reactions, in general – Bruising stare at best, kick to shins, will roll eyes and loudly denounce you as she walks away with Marlene McKinnon.

Aftereffects – Wounded ego, constance of beating self up, get teased for a million years.

Number Two: _Learned in year two._

"Can I copy your _ homework?"

I was a bit wiser by this point; I understood the general idea of love (although I'm _still _not sure what the heck it is) and I got why when Lily Evans came over my mind went _beeeeeeeeeeep _and then I started blathering wildly about how two moose should be meese. Yeah, I sort of understood it, and I managed to exert a _teeny _bit of self control over myself. And yet, whenever Lily Evans got near, I still could not function coherently. _But I wanted to talk to her. _So I started asking her if I could steal her homework for random classes.

I asked her this. Every time. She came near me.

It's a _wonder _that girl ever managed to grow past the stage of screaming and running away from me.

So yeah. Don't do this, it's bad and will get you nowhere and eventually she will go to McGonagall.

Reactions, in general: Scoff, groan, scream, possibly punch you in the nose, eventually get you detention from McGonagall.

Aftereffects: Insanely bruised ego, insanely bruised nose, detention, lack of homework.

Number Three: _Learned in year three._

_ "Hey, _laaaaaaaaydeeee! Do you want to go OUT on a DATE with ME?"

…...What was wrong with me. I don't even know. I can't even use question marks, or,,comma,,,s.

_Because of my WOE._

Now, to be fair, the dating approach did work, eventually, because I am now dating Lily, but it did _not _happen by starting _any _sentence with '_hey_ laaaaaaaaaaaaaydeeeeeeeeee.' IN fact, _nothing will ever get done if you start your sentences with that phrase. _At worst, you will be eaten by rabid snakes, if this lady in question owns rabid snakes, in which case_ why would you go out with her are you nuts?_ At best, you will be shunned and injured. Bad idea, overall.

Reactions, in general: Insane and hysterical laughter. Rabid snakes. _A lot of punching._

Aftereffects: Crazy crazy bruises, both of ego and of general self. Sadness that will cause you to retire to your bedroom for _forever, _your stupid thirteen year old self will declare. And then your best friend will call you out on your idiocy and possibly pour a hot beverage on your person. All around badness, basically. Just do not do this ever.

Number Four: _Learned in year four._

"Hey Lily, can you please stop running away and screaming every time you see me? Please?"

..Eh, it was worth a shot.

Reactions, in general: Running away and screaming.

Aftereffects: Some sort of vague depression. I was pretty used to it by now. In hindsight, I deserved everything. I was a class-A _creep._

Number Five: _Learned in year five._

_ "_Lily, your best friend smells like rotten ham, so you shouldn't cry now that you've ditched him. Why are you so sad?"

This was a misguided attempt to get Lily to cheer up, because, believe it or not, after the years of useless stalking and creeping and various extremely frightening lines, I actually did care for her a bit, and I really hated seeing her so sad – especially since, y'know, her best friend and her weren't best friends anymore, at base, 'cause of me and my friends. So yeah, that was tough, and I felt a bit bad. And so I tried to cheer her up.

It didn't work. It _really did not work._

Free tip: if you're trying to get a girl to go out with you, please just don't compare her (perhaps former, but even so) best friend to ham. _Especially rotten ham._ Take it from me. It's a bad, bad thing to say, to do..it's just not good.

Reaction, in general: She might cry, which'll be really really scary because she's _Lily, _dangit, she doesn't _cry. _And then she'll shout some unrepeatable things at you, slug you really really hard, and run off in tears. And you will feel awful.

Aftereffects: You'll feel..terrible. Just, so, so bad. You won't even know what to say to anyone. You'll just want to punch yourself in the throat, but _you cannot. _Because then you will die, and even though you're really furious at yourself you don't want to _die, _per se. Best thing to do in the sitcho is just apologize. If she's tired, she'll sigh and say 'whatever'. And if she's, I dunno, alert, I guess she'd've slugged me again. It was a rough time for everyone, though – what with the Willow..thing..the stuff with Sirius and Remus I mean – and then that on top of it, and then Voldemort was at an all time.. yeah, I've gotten way off topic. Do not do this, especially if you happen to have my life.

Number Six: _Learned in year six._

"Do you just..not want to go out then..I give up."

Actually this works backwards because after you give up, she'll give in after a while, because she'll figure out she loved you, I don't know how girls' minds works, but _I got together with her after saying this. _So, yeah, I guess you_ should _say this?

Okay, instead:

"Do you want to go out with me?" Because that wouldn't work. This will.

AHHH I'M DATING LILY I DON'T CARE!

Reaction, in general: Good stuff!

Aftereffects: Joy.

..And number seven, I'm not sure about yet. Because I haven't asked her yet. But I'm going to write it here, just in case it doesn't work out. And if it doesn't, I'll say. And if it does..

I don't even know. I've never been more nervous in my life. But I'm ready. I'm almost eighteen, I've loved her forever, and what this damn war, it's _now or never._

So..yeah.

Number Seven:

"Lily, will you marry me?"

–

_**Hi. It's ME, SIRIUS. And I'm WONDERFUL. Oh, and I'm just gonna finish this list because James is, I dunno, crying with joy? He's so weird. Let's talk about me. I'm perfect. So wonderful. Just so great! I mean, I get straight O's, I am a charming fella, I play glorious REMUS WHAT ARE YOU DO**_

_Why do I associate with you people?_

GUYYYYYYS SHE SAID YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!  
><strong>Well it's about time..give us some peace of <strong>

Congratulations, Prongs, that's fabulous!

** mind!  
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And that, my friends, sums up "Seven Things You Should Not Ask Lily Evans." But whoknows? Maybe you should. I'M GETTING MARRIED! I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE! MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – ufng9iblurrrrrrrgggggggggh  
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_**that's all the time we have for today, folks! Bye!**_

_ Bye!_

** Bye!**


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